Music Review: The Mount Gay Party UPDATE

Every year around this time there is a Mount Gay "Red Cap" Party where they hand out a select number of red caps like the ones pictured below. Apparently it is huge social currency to get a hat and you are a rock star if you get to bartend at this party.

(Note: These are just fucking baseball caps in an ugly color with a logo for a humdrum rum on it. And their logo is a map of Barbados! Seriously, I wish I could have been a fly on the wall when that decision was made. How bad were the other ideas for a logo that the best one was a map of the island on which the rum is produced!?)

I'm here to tell you that this party sucks and tends to recycle the same old tropes and party tricks every year. Case in point: Scratchy Bollocks played at the party AGAIN. I'd like to take this opportunity to reiterate a sentiment I expressed in a Facebook status recently. Scratchy Bollocks is extremely overrated and have played the same mediocre covers for the past three years.

Needless to say I did not attend the party last night, but that didn't prevent me from getting to hear every sad rendition of decent songs from my surly little hilltop last night. Thus, I give you the first Surly Stewie Music Review.

Scratchy Bollocks is a four (five?) member band (it really doesn't matter) who can play their instruments decently enough to the undiscerning ear and have a fairly talented singer who is attractive and good at engaging the crowd. Their major shortcoming is in their completely shitty butcherings of decent songs that used to foster good memories. Here are some of the problems with their covers...

#1 They speed up the tempo of every song they play! It's not a race boys. "Come Together" does not sound better in 2:30 than it did in the original 4:20(ish). Is this tempo upgrade meant to make the songs more "party-like" or "danceable"? If so, then they should pick different songs to cover, especially since they tend to toy with classics.

#2 They cover songs from artists that have very distinctive voices that are difficult to imitate for even the best singers, and completely out of the range of their current singer. Aerosmith's "Walk This Way" is an amazing song, but Steven Tyler's screeching only works for Steven Tyler and should not be attempted in even the best of circumstances. Similarly, while Bon Jovi's shouting in "Livin' on a Prayer" is not particularly distinctive, it does take a strong voice...and Mr. Lead Singer did not deliver last night. He couldn't quite climb that extra octave (or half octave...I don't know anything about music) at the end there. Fail. (Side Note: Get the lyrics right too!)

#1 + #2 = Compounding Problems. Upping the tempo on songs that already are difficult to sing is a recipe for disaster. I have to give credit to Mr. Lead Singer because he handles it quite well but why arrange the songs like that in the first place?

Maybe Scratchy Bollocks saw my Facebook status from a few weeks ago because they performed a few new covers last night. The first few were unmemorable (which, in their case, is a good thing), but the last one was a doozy. Did anyone watch the Super Bowl this year? Remember the halftime show and the Black-Eyed Peas arrangement? Well, it seems Scratchy Bollocks has made their own tribute to the Peas in sort of the same style as their Super Bowl show. Scratchy Bollocks, though, displayed truly horrific judgment by including a section from their song, "The Time (Dirty Bit)." The section I am referring to is the part where Fergie sings the chorus from the Dirty Dancing Song and then the DJ does that thing to her voice where she sings, "You-ou-ou-ou-ou-ou" ad nauseum. It's repulsive enough when Fergie does it on the radio and at least that's edited. It should never be attempted in real life, at a live concert, by a band that specializes in covers of classic rock songs.

Scratchy Bollocks, you get two thumbs down and I dearly hope English Harbour wakes up from its drunken stupor long enough to not book you for any of next season's parties. At the very least I hope this terrible party is moved from Reef Gardens so the music doesn't come blaring back up my surly hillside again.

P.S. It is Earth Day and shame on everyone who went to the party last night for being lame for leaving your trash ALL OVER DOCKYARD DRIVE!!! At 7:30 this morning the poor people who LIVE on that road were CLEANING UP YOUR SHIT!!! At least hire a fucking cleaning crew Mongoose/Reef Gardens, especially since these poor people were forced to listen to shitty music until the wee hours of the morning. Normal hard-working Antiguans who are trying to enjoy/observe the holiday today should not have to waste their time cleaning up after your immature, drunken revelry.

UPDATE: If I was a lawyer, I'd represent Antigua Distillery Ltd. who is a silver sponsor of sailing week this year. You'll note that Mount Gay is not a sponsor at all...yet the red caps from this year have "Antigua Sailing Week 2011" embroidered on them. This comes after Sailing Week tried to get independent businesses in the area to not sell any beer other than Carib during sailing week because Carib is a sponsor. WTF Sailing Week??